In all my 40 years of transformational coaching, I have noticed one fundamental phenomenon, one that appears so true that it is axiomatic—All good roads lead to greater self-esteem. Now I know that as soon as I state a truism, the mind of many analytic readers will search to find how this may not be true, and of course, if you search, you may find a moment to the contrary. But instead, let’s look at a few examples of what causes people to come to transformational coaching, to consider the wisdom of this point of view.
Here is a list of some of the problems or challenges that have people knock on my proverbial door for some coaching:
1. I need more money to survive, so I’m stuck in my job.
2. I won’t be able to find a better job.
3. I want to have more gravitas.
4. I have difficulty confronting people.
5. I make too many commitments. Either I am unreliable, or I end up working too hard.
6. I want to inspire people more.
7. I’m afraid to fail.
8. I don’t listen well. I’m arrogant and push people away.
9. I’m too friendly and have difficulty making tough decisions.
10. I procrastinate and have difficulty finishing things.
11. I’m not doing what I want to do the most.
12. I can’t seem to find balance in my life.
13. My supervisor or the people above me won’t give me the room to do what I think is best.
14. I’m too wishy-washy. I want to be firmer in my convictions and clearer in my expectations.
15. I want people in my organization to work better together.
Let’s take a random few and dig underneath the surface to imagine what might be the underlying cause of the pattern they wish to change. The underlying causes could be many, so permit me to generalize among the many to search and convey a pattern.
Presenting Problem: I need more money to survive, so I’m stuck in my job.
Likely Underlying Cause: Person is likely stuck in a survival mindset. They live within a shrunken sense of who they are and what they’re capable of. Were they to have strong self-esteem, they would trust life and not feel so stuck.
Presenting Problem: I want to have more gravitas.
Likely Underlying Cause: Client is likely holding back on the full expression of who they are, what they think, and what they believe. They may even fear ridicule were they to express themselves. People with high self-esteem tend not to be shy in their self-expression. They express themselves with natural gravitas.
Presenting Problem: I’m afraid to fail.
Likely Underlying Cause: Client beats self up whenever they make a mistake. People with high self-esteem don’t beat themselves up, nor do they define themselves solely by what they do. They are not their results.
Presenting Problem: I’m too friendly and have difficulty making tough decisions.
Likely Underlying Cause: Client is afraid of either failure and therefore plays it safe, or concerned that they might be rejected by others so they take the path of least resistance. They get wobbly if they fail or if others don’t like them. With ample self-esteem, they are able to make those tough calls with minimum concern for the personal impact on them.
I’m not saying that self-esteem is the only cause of the reasons why people come to me, but it is often central. It comes with many names. Self-love, self-acceptance, self-regard. But in all cases, it has to do with knowing oneself and being good with oneself. There certainly are other reasons, but almost always, the lack of or reduced self-esteem is playing a mighty role in the presenting problem. It manifests in shrunken sense of self, contracted expression, deep self-abnegation, self-denial, a self-critic on steroids, insecurity, or any of a number of similar inner experiences.
If this is true, then the path to healing or transformation must address of go through the land of low self-esteem and address it to the point where the client experiences enough self-love that the pattern transmogrifies almost naturally. One client I worked with recently recognized this and instead of focusing on the outer presenting problem of avoidance and procrastination, she worked on her inner capacity to accept and love herself. Over time, she could see how her inner critic raged, sometimes overtly and sometimes unconsciously to the point that she was very hesitant to take action. By quieting the inner critic to some extent and understanding the parts of her that sabotage as well as amplifying the parts that truly and naturally accept herself, the pattern of low self-esteem gave way to the delicious sense of ease that accompanies almost everyone with high self-regard. She rarely procrastinates or avoids, and when she does, she is far more conscious about it than before. While our work is not complete, it is evident that the ease she is experiencing is sustainable and will likely continue to grow.