I lead two practice sessions for transformational coaching a month with two different coaching cohorts, the members of which come from different countries all over the world. While we all share much in common, there are natural cultural differences which, of course, translate into different coaching styles. This, of course, reflects the different client preferences that naturally emerge as well.
In one of my recent sessions, a very interesting interaction transpired. During the session, one of our coaches was practicing her approach with a client where she started the session quite directly with the client. Basically, she just jumped right in and began the coaching journey without establishing any emotional connection. She just jumped right in. During the feedback process where we as colleagues give feedback to the coach, I said that I thought that, but cutting to the case immediately, she may have lost an opportunity. At the time, I thought I was on solid ground in offering that perspective, but what I thought would be obvious was not so obvious to her. Instead of saying, “good feedback Keith,” she replied, “you don’t understand that in my culture, the way you are suggesting I start would likely seem rather shallow and empty.”
Interesting point, I thought, the content of which becomes the subject of this article. Now please remember that subject of this quarterly column is transformational coaching and the views I’m expressing may or may not apply to other forms of coaching. Transformational coaching is designed to produce a fundamental shift in the way clients perceive, experience and act in the world. This is distinct from other forms of coaching, such as thought partnership coaching, problem solving coaching, and life skill coaching. Other forms may or may not require the thinking expressed here. With that in mind, here are the questions:
1. When doing transformational coaching, is emotional connection with a client always necessary?
2. If it is necessary, then how does the coach establish that connection in different cultures where the way you, the coach, connects may or may not work well with many people who are culturally different than you.
Is emotional connection necessary?
To the first question, I say a resounding, “yes.” I don’t care what culture you are in; the nature of transformational coaching is such that you are exploring and, in many cases, gently challenging, your client’s paradigm. As you explore, there will likely be blindspots, defensive routines, and other unconscious strategies evident while working with that client. When those are revealed and explored, many emotions will likely surface or be not far away. Your ability to create safety in the container of the relationship is crucial, and emotional connection or what I call, “emotional linkage,” is essential. When your client experiences you as present and when you show meaningful capacity to care and provide genuine empathy, the client will likely open and be vulnerable with you. And then, it will take a significant amount of emotional intelligence to navigate with the client the emotions that can and do arise. Now to the second and harder question.
How do you create emotional linkage with people from different cultures?
The simple answer is that it is no different than with people with different personalities. The more you tune toward their personality, and then adapt your approach to create emotional safety for that person, the better. With someone who is very logical, don’t get all emotionally gooey. With someone who feels and expresses their emotions fully and freely, don’t get too cerebral. With someone who prefers distance before some degree of comfort, take it slow. For someone who prefers closeness, don’t keep a distance too long. This applies to cultures just as it does to personalities.
And whatever you do, don’t make assumptions about the person simply from discerning their culture of origin. 30 years ago, Geerte Hofstede did some research to demonstrate and reveal natural difference between cultures of different countries. Some are warmer than others, such as Mexican or Italian, and some are cooler, such as Germany or Japan. That’s not a bad start. Absent information, studying Hofstede’s cultural dimensions gives you a sense of where or how to begin.
But it is just that, a beginning. One can never know, for certain, the emotional tendencies or preferences just from their country of origin, or their race, or gender or religion, or any of several differences that tend to classify and sometimes define us. I have met some folks from Japan, for example, that are remarkably warm and have also met some folks from Mexico that are as cool and distant as they come. While not the norm, they present themselves sometimes differently that the culture might suggest. While knowing where the person’s culture lies on Hofstede’s cultural model is a good start, don’t assume anything!
Human beings are wonderfully complex, and no distinguishing factor can predict 100% how that person is and how that person will likely respond. So, the question naturally emerges, how do I as a coach know? Here is my answer: Pay attention. Your client will tell you by virtue of his or her own behavior. People who prefer warmth, tend to act warm. People who prefer distance act distant or cerebral. Your clients will likely give you the cues and your best strategy is pay attention and follow their cues. Over time, you will gain their comfort and safety, and from there, they will let you in to their inner world, the world that you will want to navigate and explore with them.
I have one client who is very cerebral; brilliant in many ways. When I see him, he smiles, offers his hand in a handshake, and I return it in kind. I have kept my distance and over time, he has shared much of his inner world, but only because he felt I respected his boundaries and trusted me to hold space well. All was well, except one time, I was feeling particularly warm toward the world and of course to him as well, and when we met, I went for the hug. It was a hug that I wanted. He gave no signal that he wanted it, and as a result, he immediately recoiled and became frozen as a rock. I immediately knew I had overstepped a boundary. I apologized by saying, “I’m sorry. I’m feeling especially warm today and I should have asked you if it was okay to hug.” His response was understandable. “I don’t like hugging.” I said, “I understand. I sense that, and please accept my apology.” He replied graciously, and I then had the wisdom to reach out my hand and shake his.” The putting out my hand was not only a way of saying, I respect you, but also it went far to show I was flexible in how we approach connecting.
While I probably lost some good will points by overriding his tacit preference, thankfully I’ve gained enough goodwill to survive my gaffe. But had I done the hug sooner in our relationship, I might never have recovered.
If your observations of your client don’t give you the clear signals you need to figure out how to navigate emotionally, then you have a couple of options. One is to revert back to Hofstede’s cultural dimensions. However, let me suggest a better strategy. Just ask the client what gives them comfort and ease. In other words, have them tell you what would be most comfortable for them.
Now for the hardest part. In order to implement the variety of strategies needed to navigate a client’s emotional landscape, you, as a coach need to be flexible, in all cases, but especially when facilitating transformation. If you tend toward distance, then work on yourself to become more emotionally warm and available. If you tend toward emotional connection, then work on picking and choosing your spots. In other words, the best strategy is to develop your own emotional depth, flexibility, and intelligence. The more range you develop through your own inner work, the more capacity you have for others. Do your inner work and it will pay dividends with your current and future clients, and it will also serve you for the rest of your life.